My previous post was a three-part series on some emotions I had to face head on. The most important thing I’ve learned is that a major breakup come in waves. Within the waves there’s heartbreak, doubt of self-worth, anger, jealousy, and at the very end rediscovery.
The heartbreak stage was the longest for me. With the right support system and the means to allow your heart to break is important. If you walk around holding it in it’s going to explode and manifest into depression or other things that could harm self. Allowing my heart to break allowed me to feel everything I could possible feel all at once and just cry it out. During the period of letting my heart-break, I also went through questioning my worth and what I had to offer someone. At this time I didn’t feel beautiful, I didn’t feel like enough and it had completely consumed me. Like I felt completely unwanted and tarnished. In this stage there is so much doubt and feelings of abandonment, all while crying and just letting go of my definition of happiness and routine with someone else.
The next phase was anger. I’d rather use the term rage. I would randomly rage out when I’d see cute couples, hear songs, or just do things I felt would make me happy again. I couldn’t do those things because I had grown accustom to doing it with someone else. I’d be listening to a song by a great artist and next thing you know I’d just toss my head set and my phone and literally go outside to just breath because I’d just be so mad. I wasn’t mad at the breakup. I was angry because I allowed myself to become dependent on someone else for my happiness, and now I was having to figure it out on my own. I was angry because I allowed someone into my heart and personal space to interrupted my energy to make self happy. So I’m now stuck with returning to being happy with just self. The rage coursing through my veins whenever I tried to do something that I thought would make me happy and couldn’t, just increased daily until I eventually reverted back to heartbreak. I had to go through this a few times around.
My situation could be different from others, but I had to add in jealousy during my waves of a breakup. Jealousy came along because I have petty nosy friends that see everything. Of course I caught wind my ex had already began to move on. I got screen shots, calls, pictures of my ex car parked in places. It was all bad. I became jealous because I had not yet moved on. I hadn’t even begun to pick up the pieces. However, I didn’t stay in this state of mind long. See the thing I was jealous about was someone else was getting what I thought was still apart of me and I had other things manifesting in me I had no knowledge of. When you break up with someone, that person is no longer yours and you have to get in a head space of moving on and being content with self. This I learned the hard way because as a woman there’s territory you just don’t cross. In my mind he was still mine. This isn’t a way of life nor was it a healthy thought process to have. He was no longer mine so why did I need to dwell on what he had going on. This allowed me to start rediscovering self.
What makes me happy? This is a question so many woman, like myself, that’s gone through a tough breakup find hard to answer. Rediscovering self is still in the works for me. I had to go back and figure out what made me happy and who was I to become as a new single woman. While rediscovering self, I found myself falling in love with things I thought I no longer had passion for. I begin to write more, draw more, read more, laugh, smile, meditate, and just feel free to do anything. Finding my purpose and self-worth all over again made me feel whole and acceptable to self. In this phase there is just as much appreciation and laughter. I channeled a lot of energy into working out and writing. So I now have wacky pictures in the mirror and funny clips I’ve written to remind myself I make me happy.
Breakups are tough pills to swallow. They are even tougher when you force yourself not to let go when you know you should. Many people have to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. In my opinion, being lonely is being in need of someone else’s touch or company, or just needing another persons affection or attention. I view being alone as being content with self-love, personal space and happiness, and knowing you are perfectly okay with your own company. Getting to this point was a journey for me, and truth is I’m still on it. Letting go was the hard part, rebuilding isn’t so easy either, however it’s conducive to self-worth, growth and intuition.