In Due Time

IMG_2818
Love Yourself more than anything and watch the glow up!

My previous post was a three-part series on some emotions I had to face head on. The most important thing I’ve learned is that a major breakup come in waves. Within the waves there’s heartbreak, doubt of self-worth, anger, jealousy, and at the very end rediscovery.

The heartbreak stage was the longest for me. With the right support system and the means to allow your heart to break is important. If you walk around holding it in it’s going to explode and manifest into depression or other things that could harm self. Allowing my heart to break allowed me to feel everything I could possible feel all at once and just cry it out. During the period of letting my heart-break, I also went through questioning my worth and what I had to offer someone. At this time I didn’t feel beautiful, I didn’t feel like enough and it had completely consumed me. Like I felt completely unwanted and tarnished. In this stage there is so much doubt and feelings of abandonment, all while crying and just letting go of my definition of happiness and routine with someone else.

The next phase was anger. I’d rather use the term rage. I would randomly rage out when I’d see cute couples, hear songs, or just do things I felt would make me happy again. I couldn’t do those things because I had grown accustom to doing it with someone else. I’d be listening to a song by a great artist and next thing you know I’d just toss my head set and my phone and literally go outside to just breath because I’d just be so mad. I wasn’t mad at the breakup. I was angry because I allowed myself to become dependent on someone else for my happiness, and now I was having to figure it out on my own. I was angry because I allowed someone into my heart and personal space to interrupted my energy to make self happy. So I’m now stuck with returning to being happy with just self. The rage coursing through my veins whenever I tried to do something that I thought would make me happy and couldn’t, just increased daily until I eventually reverted back to heartbreak. I had to go through this a few times around.

My situation could be different from others, but I had to add in jealousy during my waves of a breakup. Jealousy came along because I have petty nosy friends that see everything. Of course I caught wind my ex had already began to move on. I got screen shots, calls, pictures of my ex car parked in places. It was all bad. I became jealous because I had not yet moved on. I hadn’t even begun to pick up the pieces. However, I didn’t stay in this state of mind long. See the thing I was jealous about was someone else was getting what I thought was still apart of me and I had other things manifesting in me I had no knowledge of. When you break up with someone, that person is no longer yours and you have to get in a head space of moving on and being content with self. This I learned the hard way because as a woman there’s territory you just don’t cross. In my mind he was still mine. This isn’t a way of life nor was it a healthy thought process to have. He was no longer mine so why did I need to dwell on what he had going on. This allowed me to start rediscovering self.

What makes me happy? This is a question so many woman, like myself, that’s gone through a tough breakup find hard to answer. Rediscovering self is still in the works for me. I had to go back and figure out what made me happy and who was I to become as a new single woman. While rediscovering self, I found myself falling in love with things I thought I no longer had passion for. I begin to write more, draw more, read more, laugh, smile, meditate, and just feel free to do anything. Finding my purpose and self-worth all over again made me feel whole and acceptable to self. In this phase there is just as much appreciation and laughter. I channeled a lot of energy into working out and writing. So I now have wacky pictures in the mirror and funny clips I’ve written to remind myself I make me happy.

Breakups are tough pills to swallow. They are even tougher when you force yourself not to let go when you know you should. Many people have to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. In my opinion, being lonely is being in need of someone else’s touch or company, or just needing another persons affection or attention. I view being alone as being content with self-love, personal space and happiness, and knowing you are perfectly okay with your own company. Getting to this point was a journey for me, and truth is I’m still on it. Letting go was the hard part, rebuilding isn’t so easy either, however it’s conducive to self-worth, growth and intuition.

Advertisements

A Peculiar Image: Pt 3. Closure

A random text just to check in turn into a conversation that was well overdue. Hearing his voice was calming and fulfilling. I want to talk about the past but I can’t go there. It no longer exist for me. What took place can’t be undone. We can grow and learn from it. This is closure because he has moved on and he seemed happy and content. My permission isn’t needed nor is his for me. I choose to take baby steps this time around because I have other things to focus on. I’m not going to string someone along for a roller coaster ride. Especially when I’m still in love with an ex. I’d rather get over it completely before being unsure.

Tonight was different. I got to ask the questions that I’d written down multiple times. I got the understanding of the what ifs and whys and the what happens next. I actually got closure this time. I feel fine. I’m happy and I have this content feeling of being completely unapologetic to anything. Conversations before with him led me to cry even if I was feeling okay. My emotions would get the best of me every time because I was still holding on to what was and not the reality of not being together anymore. Tonight I felt healed. I think this needed to happen in order for us both to move forward with no regrets. I think more so me.

When I think back on happy memories, they remind me of positive and growth. When I think of the sad memories, they remind me of experience and tests. I say this because even with a negative experience, there’s always a silver lining because you can choose to learn and grow or stay in that state of mind. Fear is what I say it is. Having a fearful state of mind is dangerous, you forget to live and you become complacent. Being complacent gets you nowhere.

I love him. Always will. He’ll forever be my one. However, I won’t be his. It sounds confusing at first but it makes plenty of sense. Just because we think we’ve found the one doesn’t mean that person has done the same. A lot of times we create this perfect illusion of what a good relationship should be, when truth is, there’s no such thing. In order to get to the good you have to let go and go through things together and separate. When you are able to accomplish things for self you’ll begin to appreciate doing it in a partnership more because you know what you bring to the table.

A Peculiar Image: Pt. 2 No Words

So I saw him today, accidentally of course. Can I be brutally honest?

In that moment, I felt the wind had been knocked out of me. Every breath I took it felt as if I was taking nothing in. As I shook my head and walked the other way, I knew I wasn’t ready to face him or this massive suffocating feeling I was experiencing. Love. It left me with no words. I didn’t say hi, I didn’t have some smart remark, honestly, nothing was on my mind. It was just empty. My heart was beating so fast. This feeling was unreal for me. The perfect description would be having no air but hearing your heart beat so fast and loud like a drum in your ear. I walked the opposite direction because I wasn’t ready. Before this encounter I called, I texted, left messages, I even wrote a letter I never sent. The look on his face. I couldn’t explain it even if I tried it wouldn’t make sense. I’ve seen it before, fear.

When I finally came back to my senses I remembered why I was even in the store. I was in search of new art for my gallery wall. How quickly I forgot he was there. The friend I was shopping with that day was truly my rock, whether she knows it or not. She’ll read this post and know it was her. I remembered to laugh. I remembered to be in the present moment even with him working in the store in the same area. She helped me realize FEAR didn’t live within me, I had new confidence and it took one good laugh to snap me back to reality. (she held a candle to y nose and said it smelled like gum that had been chewed for about 30 minutes LOL) we laughed for a good fifteen minutes in the candle section.

Back to it…

All the while I was shopping our eyes met only once more and even still there was no words. He came from the back room employee area and when we caught each other’s eyes this time there was this longing look that lasted briefly. Still no words. Honestly because of this I knew things had changed. I’d never treat anyone this way. I’d never purposely hurt someone. It’s not okay. I learned a lesson this day. Never let them see you sweat. Fear can only thrive and survive within you if you let it. It’s a mindset. Seeing her first than him, messed with my head, but then  I realized it needed to happen. The reason it needed to happen is because I put my everything on auto pilot and forgot to live my life because I was hurting so bad. I stopped listening to music because every song made me sad. I stopped drawing and painting because it only reminded me of watching him in a creative space. I stopped writing because it was too painful to write and I’d only end up crying. I was just hurting and no one was understanding. I couldn’t talk to friends because I didn’t want them to hate him, I didn’t talk to family because opinions would be formed about me and him. Being alone is hard when you’re still trying to get over being lonely but I guess it’s one of those phases. I didn’t think seeing him would be so hard after so long. And now he can’t come back because doesn’t want to live in the past. I guess we really did a number on each other to the point there are no words.

 

 

 

A Peculiar Image: Pt. 1 Broken

So wrapped up in love I didn’t even notice it was slipping away. Left me thinking how long was too long and was I in the way. Screaming at the top of my lungs wanting to point a finger, but how can you point to something that’s not there. Playing the blame game was just another opportunity neglecting what was no longer there. He had me so wrapped up in this love. So deep in it I didn’t want to come up for air. Even when he screamed Love was no longer there. His touch became different so did his stare. You mean to tell me I put this much time in only to have you no longer there. What were we doing this whole time, just playing relationship and dressing up love, or was it actually real? At a point we were tight like a glove. Our energies met and our moment was set the moment we fell in love with no regrets. Now you want me to be broken and confused but make sure I’m doing good so your conscience isn’t shaken by the constant abandonment you left my heart in. Thinking out loud how did I miss this. My love is unconditional but my heart is conditional. When you love this hard, and long something is bound to go wrong but that doesn’t mean give up and move on. You stick that shit out and love through a storm whatever the weather there’s always a right to wrong. I’m screaming I love you actions too. How can we make this right well it takes two. A peculiar image genuine to touch, turn cold and misguided, blinded by new trust. Where we left off will forever be unjust.